Motherhood

When I was a teen I wasn't the kind of girl who went ga-ga over other peoples babies. I had plenty to do at home with my younger siblings. I'm the second oldest of seven so I was initiated into baby care and cloth diapers very early. I never really liked baby sitting and only did it for the money. I started to worry about what kind of mother I would be in my later teens, thinking I might have something wrong with me. At baby showers for friends I had no problem holding their babies and would often be the only one who could soothe an hysterical one but I wasn't itching to hold them or coo over them. I even thought things like, "My gosh, that's not a very pretty baby. His poor mother, look at those ears!"

Then I married and, in less than ten months, was a mother. My first son was born and it was love at first sight. I was shocked by the overwhelming feeling I had for him. I didn't want anyone to hold him except Steven and me. Even my own mother. He was the most beautiful baby in the whole world and I could marvel at him for hours.

It was like that with each one of them...love, love, love, love at first sight and I never looked back.

It has been a roller-coaster for sure. Caring for my young children, in retrospect, was the easiest. It was physically draining and frustrating to deal with daily messes, meals, cleanup, laundry and tantrums but I could also fix things with a kiss, put them to bed at 8, change the subject with a story, and laugh all through the day at their little discoveries, amazing imagination, and petty grievances. I was also humbled by their instant forgiveness and voracious appetite for learning.

As they grew the problems got bigger and kisses wouldn't make a bit of difference. They wanted to stay up, and out, later and later. Changing the subject was putting off the problem that needed to be faced, and laughing was not my first reaction for many of their new discoveries. I felt fear like I'd never felt it before, frustration, anger, and...yes...even despair, until I discovered for myself the true meaning of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the healing and saving power of His Atonement.

Last night, after coming home from visiting with one daughter, her husband, and their sweet beautiful children, I sat down with my other beloved daughter who has taught me more about unconditional love than anyone was ever able to pound into my poor, hard head. She's broken up with her current boyfriend, is dealing with some health issues that will be hers for a long time and is wondering what's in store for her next. She's amazing, strong, and resilient and has grown into a beautiful young woman with a good head on her shoulders but  I had to tell her some hard things. I had to challenge her to make some difficult choices which would require some rather drastic course corrections. We held hands through the whole quiet discussion, both of us with tears in our eyes.

We had just looked at a bunch of pictures of Swede: her sweet face and shy smile and I told her about Swede's innocent ways, and sense of humor and delicate mannerisms. She just poured over the pictures and cooed and pointed right along with me like a doting Auntie.

I told her, "I'll always be here for you. Always."
She said, "I know you will Mom. I know that."
"You're my Swede," I said, "My baby girl with the sweet face. You and your sister are my babies, my darling girls. That will never change. I will always love you. Nothing will ever change that. I'll never give up. Never. And I'll always pray for you."
"I know that Mom. Thank you. That's why I come to you and tell you everything. That's why."

Is that a payday? I don't look at it like that any more. The joy and pain is so mixed together, so intertwined that one can't exist without the other. They each enhance the other and become 'one' in the experience.

I am no longer the leader...if I ever was. I am a fellow traveler with my children, grandchildren...as well as with my parents and siblings and ancestors. Not here to 'fix'. Not here to 'control'. Not here to 'save'. Here to help, encourage, forgive, counsel with, cry with, and love.

I love, love, love my family.