The Journey

This whole thing started out as sleeplessness and so far it's ended the same, but the journey inbetween has been...not what I expected, in a good way.


In the past 4+ months I have never felt so out of control, so tired, so unendingly sick, dizzy, anxious, nauseated, frantic and exhausted in my life. After 4 different prescriptions and the threat of a 5th I finally just said No. Stop. Wait.

I was so afraid that I would get addicted to the sleeping pills that I gave no thought to the "Lowest-Dose-of Hormones-You-Can-Get-In-A-Birth-Control-Pill" that was given to me to 'Balance' my hormones after a lengthy period of time with little or no sleep last October.

It was The Pill that caused the most problems. While it gave my flagging hormones a needed boost at the beginning it created a firestorm of negative effects for the next several months. Towards the end, meaning the last two weeks of taking The Pill, and the two weeks after that, I really did think I was going crazy. Literally. I was really, really scared. I cried at the drop of a hat or a casual, "Hey Kristine. How're you doing?" I was losing weight because I felt so nauseated most of the time. There were many days when I didn’t trust myself to drive because I was so dizzy. My hands shook. My thoughts raced. I couldn't concentrate on ANYTHING. No movies, no books, not even listening to books. I would pace around the house during the day with nervous, exhausted energy and not get anything done. Panic would fill my chest at the thought of fixing dinner for just Steve and I, let alone for a family get together. I longed for and dreaded bedtime. Crazy, frustrating dreams haunted my sleep. When in the temple, or in church meetings I had to hold on to the armrests of the chair or Steven’s hands to keep myself from jumping up and running out of the room, not even knowing why. I found out from friends that I'm an amazing 'faker'. I guess I can fake it pretty well for short periods of time.

My poor husband was the only one who saw it all. He's been such a rock, such a deep well of patience. I'd been praying for relief. Begging. I'd had several blessings and I had also been administered to. I felt so overwhelmed with daily tasks that I finally asked for more help.

The RS Presidency came over one night to 'visit'. I have a feeling they'd taken notice of my strange behavior in RS the Sunday before and they wanted to check on me. Melynda, who knew part of what was going on, asked me, "How's the sleep thing?" and I just broke down in tears and told them everything. They were very kind and understanding. I was so embarrassed but also relieved. We laughed about some of the stranger things and they shared some of their own experiences also. They stayed for more than an hour and when they left they all hugged me Hard, and told me they would all pray for me. I felt so unworthy, but so very thankful.

After a few days more of the same ol' nastiness I broke down and wrote an e-mail to my children, my brothers and sisters, and my parents asking for prayers of healing, and for understanding if I wasn't able to carry off the Family Reunion this year. (It's my turn.) The return of love and concern, and promises of prayers and help was so overwhelming and immediate that I spent the day in tears of gratitude. I even got e-mails and messages from nieces and nephews whom I didn't contact. Such is the family grapevine.

Things didn't change a whole lot for a few days and I was getting so very desperate. The sleeping pills weren't giving me more than 6 hours of sleep a night and often less than that. I went to see the Dr. again and he prescribed an anti-depressant telling me that I wouldn't feel the full effect for at least two weeks. I was hopeful and things went well for a couple of days and then I started feeling my heart rate rise for lengthy periods of time and then, when I went on my usual walk last Monday (March 5), my heart was racing so fast that my entire jaw ached up into the back of my head. It scared me. I thought to myself, "Is this a heart attack? A stroke?" I had no cell phone and I was walking along a deserted ditch bank. I slowed my pace and finally made it home then went right to the Doctor AGAIN. Yes, my blood pressure was unusually high and there was a mention of another prescription for high blood pressure and I finally said 'No. I'm going off the anti-depressant. I'm just going to take the pills for sleep and I'll see you at the end of the month and we'll take it from there.' I had also started some other, different things that have created a peaceful place inside me. A place to go, and things to do, that can only bring good things to my mind and heart.

I've seen the nurse twice since then to measure my blood pressure and today it was 110/80. Perfect.

I've had almost a week of 'feel good' days. No nausea. No dizziness. No helpless feelings of depression. The anxiety has lessened, though I still get minor panic attacks. I still don't get a full night’s sleep but I'm sure that will come in time.

I had no idea that when I was asking for help and prayers that they would be answered like this: My faith has increased incredibly. My awareness of the suffering of others has increased. My prayers lately have been far more grateful and heartfelt than ever before, and the askings are rarely for me anymore. What I've gone through in the past months is a drop in an immense bucket compared to a gentleman just down the block who has serious back pain, and has had it almost all his life, along with life threatening asthma but who has served as a bishop and is now the Stake Patriarch, and has always been a kind and generous man as long as I've known him.

-Or an amazing friend just down the street who is suffering with brain cancer/chemo/surgery and still has such faith and cheerfulness about her.

-Or the young mother of 4 young girls who is in her last weeks of pregnancy with twin boys and is on bedrest to keep them. She already knows that they will be born with cleft lips and possibly palates and may have to be taken C-section, yet she seems so peaceful and full of faith.

-Or the sweet friend who's been through, and is still going through what I've experienced and more, and she's also dealing with daily trips to the hospital to be with her dieing father.

I still have to take a pill to get any kind of sleep. But it's not an ISSUE any more. My Heavenly Father had a much greater blessing to bestow on me: I KNOW that I have an amazing network of loving and concerned friends and family. I've had an increase of faith and tender awareness of blessings. I have a greater appreciation for the atonement of my Savior, and the healing power of daily scripture study. And I understand on a much deeper level the power of Caring For Others. I live among angels and I want to be just like them.